on uncertainty

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Oh poor little neglected blog, I’m sorry for not knowing what to do with you.

In truth, I have no idea why I haven’t turned to you – you who help me clarify my thoughts and make sense of mental chaos.  There’s been a lot going on (a lot, and nothing), and I haven’t known what to make of any of it.  I tried this new thing, where I turn to close friends and family for advice.  It worked surprisingly well (do you know about this?).  For someone who has spent so long thinking that independence means going it alone, and that asking for help is a sign of weakness or inability, this newfound realization that others can provide helpful perspectives and insight – without there being any sense that needing those is a sign of personal failure – is at once illuminating, freeing, and deeply enriching.  It saddens me that it took so long for me to learn this.

Still, here I am, turning to you once again.  This time not for assistance so much as for the sake of archiving.  I’d like to document this long absence and mark it as a sign of a desire for change.  I’d like to return to writing, to return to ruminating over next steps and to recording my thoughts for the sake of some future me who may like to revisit these wonderings, down the road, or for whom they may serve as a faint whisper to which I should be held accountable.  That was the impetus all along, really – to challenge and motivate myself to be accountable to my future self, and to use that to spur me into doing things in the present.

I am deeply, deeply uncertain about the future, which feels so large, looming, and vast.
My solution? Break it down into smaller, manageable pieces.

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One summer. This summer.  This summer that connects to so many more – through autumns, winters and springs – yet which is, for all intents and purposes, arbitrarily yet meaningfully distinct and individual.  For the sake of my sanity, perhaps. Or for my temporal (and temporary) existence, which feels simultaneously much too small and way too big.

With that in mind, and with no time to spare, here goes a long-delayed and much needed jump into the abyss: my summer list for 2014.

La Liste (2014)

  1. make puff pastry from scratch (I’m nervous already)
  2. go on a kickass road trip
  3. go sailing
  4. engage in more random acts of kindness (one project per week, perhaps?)
  5. make myself into a cloud
  6. sew something
  7. read 5 books (much more realistic than last summer) – and no more than 3 at a time (it’s all about challenging oneself, right?)
  8. see a film in an unconventional setting (outdoor screening, drive-in, etc.)
  9. host a picnic
  10. build a budget (the eternal struggle)
  11. repaint and reclaim my apartment
  12. prep for PhD application season

They’re still more or less abstract, but we’re getting there!  Baby steps.

Suddenly the summer feels a whole lot more like an adventure… Just the way I like it.

What’s on your list, internet pals?

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